how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
