I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
