I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize