I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
