i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
