Cold hands, warm shart.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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