thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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