my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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