textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
