Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
