o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
