if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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