i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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