My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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