he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize