On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
BRING THE BAGELS
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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