i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
