My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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