I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
