Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
