I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
