This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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