It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize