I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
