mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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