I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have aggressive nipples.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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