We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
