and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize