This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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