so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize