I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
