good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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