Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize