Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
