Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
