rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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