4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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