why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
