I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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