He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
