a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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