Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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