i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
