it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
