I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
As shirtless as possible
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have fence marks all over my body
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
