she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
