She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sorry about my life...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
