Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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