Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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