then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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