Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
