I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
