my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
