guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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