when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
