I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize