bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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