college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
