nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
