Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
