The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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