i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
