I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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