is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize