Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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