She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
