i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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