if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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