Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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