I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
