Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
