Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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