I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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