do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize