we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
