my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You can't special order awesome
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How external is "for external use only"?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
