We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
