i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize