Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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